Can't sleep to much on my mind i guess. And its been a while sents i wrote anything here. I guess i will take this time to write about why i stay clean from drugs and drinking. Why should i talk about this? Well its on my mind and honestly writing this mostly for my self if you the reader want to read it or get something out of it the all the better.
I stop using drugs and drinking In Jan 1995. I was 16 years old then. I really won't going into details about my passed cause it doesn't matter. The fact is i used some drugs and drank. Most people want to know what i used and how much i did it and stuff. Why? Does it really matter? To me it does not. The fact again is i used some stuff drank some stuff.. And i was not in control or felt i was not in control as doing and on it the stuff.
Did i feel like i had a problem? Yes. Did i want to stop once i felt i had a problem? No I did not. At the time i didn't care. it did not matter. I felt i had friends. I felt i was cool. I felt i knew better. Of course this is also a normal teenage way of thinking. Add drugs and drinking to that a lot then all i said is ten times worse.
But anyway i had a problem. And honestly I wasn't planning to stop. My parents put me into rehab. And no i didn't have to stay there over night. I was an out patent. I find myself lucky for that. Long story short about rehab. I found myself listening to other while i was there. I heard what they went through. A lot of the same stuff as me in some cases a lot worse. I was very lucky with my time using. Never went to jail or anything like that either. Never OD on anything. Not sure if i came close either.
16 and half years clean now. Not saying that to get a pat on the back or anything. Everyone like wow that is awesome i;'m so proud of you and stuff. Yes I'm proud of myself don't get me wrong. And Yes i may have a little EGO about it in some areas. But here is the part well parts that has been on my mind tonight and a long time. And this is were this blog might turn into a rant or venting. Well its my blog now isn't it hehehe. Reminds of that oldie song "its my party i can cry if i want to. You would cry too if it happen to you" LOL
I still go to a 12 step program. Been going sents i got clean. I don't have to say which one. Those that know me know. Those that don't well all of them are pretty much the same for the most part. All pretty much have the same sayings and what not and the step are pretty much the same maybe the wording a little different. Do i have to go. No i do not. Does it work or help?. Yes it does mostly in the beginning for me. What about now?
Yes it works but the way i look at things are so very different. Lets talk about why i stay clean today. Main reason is cause honestly I really don't want to use. I don't think about using. I don't care about it no more. Using that is. Those that don't know when i say i don't use that mean i'm not using drugs or drinking. Now my way of thinking today. Well in the 12 step program i go to talks about having a disease. A disease which there is no known cure as they put it. Is there a cure? Not really. But my problem with that saying is the word disease. Its all over the text. Disease this and Disease that. Not saying i don't relate to what it says about a disease pre say. I just look at it now as its like a scare tactic. In a way to help remind you over and over that using is bad at least how most people with problem that is. Ok i have to laugh now cause i hear in my head right now the south park guy "Drugs are bad. Really Bad MMM K" LOL!
Which reminds me South Park did a show about a 12 step program. And when i first saw that show it honestly offended me. But it made a lot of scents too. They brought up the word disease and in the show Stan's dad got all depressed thinking he was a really bad low life person cause they said he had a disease. Not everyone has a problem with drugs or drinking. There is a lot of stuff i like about a 12 step program and there is a lot of stuff i do not like about a 12 step program.
Does the 12 step program work? I would say it does. But it really depends on the person. My way of thinking now i would do what it takes to stay clean. But let me back up a bit. Before i started using my dad went to a 12 step program and when i understood what it was all about. I made a promise to myself that i would never end up at a 12 step program. As you see i broke that promise to myself. So there for i was already self loathing before i was in a 12 step program. Honestly most people are in different ways. Today what i do not like about the word disease is that it kind of saying you have a disease you are a low life. People that don't have this disease are better than you.
Well in not so many words that what it saying. Today i do not think like that at all. In fact i really hate that way of thinking. I share at meetings about stuff i'm going through help that shit get out of my head. And no i'm not always a happy person. In fact most of the time i am not happy.
But i do not want to die or use or anything. I am human. Plan and simple as that. And most humans think when they have a bad day they have to have a drink or something. Honestly i don't understand this way of thinking. I understand its normal yes. And i don't understand it cause i had a problem with drinking and of course drugs. My way of thinking on that is why do you need something to hide what you are feeling? Simple answer is we are human. And most humans like to hide there pain. Is that a bad thing? Not really. It just depends on how you do it.
Yes i had a lot of time to think about this. I used to not be able to answer that last question to myself.. But now i get it. It does not mean i have to use again or anything nor do i want to. I do not care if people drink around me or what ever. Its about me not using and it does not hurt my feelings or make me want to use just cause someone is doing it front of me. Honestly i'm past where it would.
Going back to my pet peeves in a 12 step program. And this is just my thoughts about it. It could be just Alabama as well. Those that know me know that i don't like being in Alabama and right now i have to deal with it not much i can really do right now. Oh if i really had to i could leave now. But i would not have a job and stuff and not ready to do something like that.I would like to plan it out before jumping ship so to speak. But if worse come to worse i know some friends that would at least give me a place to stay for a little while.
Ok pet peeves. The biggest one is clicks in a 12 step program. Yes they are there too. It seems high school never really leaves you no matter where you go. At work or even in your own neighborhood. But for a me a 12 step program should not be about singling people out. It should be about help each other . Same you can say about human as well. A friend of mine was saying to me you know Chad no one really helps their follow man out anymore. I hate to say this but he is right.
Music help me stay sane. I love my music. very much into metal big time. And i also love old school industrial music as well. It helps me vent stay clean and think about things. That a big part that helps me stay clean. Big i say i mean huge part! Its seems to me when i am blunt in meeting i get a lot people come up to me and say you shouldn't say that the new people doesn't need to hear that. Hearing what? Someone being human? And that a problem? I don't think its a problem at all. I am just being honest. Some of these things i'm saying some people might not get cause they never been to a 12 step program or what ever.
But 16 and half years. That is half my age. That is long time to think about why i stay clean today. Why do i still go to meetings? Well i know the program works. It just the people sometimes i think are idiots. But that is normal too. I honestly don;t have a a lot of patients with new people. Honestly i never really been a people person. But yes sometimes some people have to be idiots before they get it. Do i care what they think of me. Well honestly in some ways i guess i do or else it wouldn't bother me so much i guess. But another good part of me really doesn't care. Like now i'm not afraid to be an ass around people at meetings. Is that a good thing? well in way yes. I used to be easily push around so to speak. Not really standing up for myself now i do. Even at work. To me that shows i have grown. Do i always do those thing the right way? No cause again human. LOL i'm saying human a lot here reminds of Charlie Sheen saying WINNING LOL
But to understand the way i think about why i stay clean today. Seems to me to be more freedom than the way i think now. Cause i don't have to be this self loathing person and to quote Stan's dad in South Park and this may not be word for word either: "OH I HAVE DISEASE I'M SUCH A BAD PERSON!" I agree with what South Park was saying in that very show. That way of thinking is BULLSHIT! I was that person at one time in my life. I don't need to be that person anymore. I have not had a using thought in freaking years! Am I cured? I would not used that word no. I don't worry about using. I don't think about it. I don't care about it. Honestly i hate the very idea of it.
So why do i stay clean and do not use? Cause i can and i will. yes it can be that simple. Only the person makes it hard. I go to a 12 step programs cause i know it help it works. I just don't think the way i used to there anymore. And some people thinks it a bad thing cause i don't think like everyone else. Or do what most people do in a 12 step program.
I look at it this way if i'm going to be on a road of any kind of happiness. I'm going to think for myself. I will not let other push me into anything i do not want to do. I still go to meetings cause i like to see if i can help others. I can't wake people and say HEY! you need to do this and that. Cause that doesn't work most of the times. If people want to hear what i got to say at meetings and they get something out of it then cool. Then i done my part. If not? Well i'm not going to lose sleep over it.
I could go on more about all this stuff but really its going to sound like the same thing over and over like i have been this whole time LOL. If you read this far thanks for sticking around and hear me rant and vent about this stuff. I hope i got most of it out of my head now so i can sleep lol.
But like the name of my blog says I'm just a boy with silly dreams. Thats not a bad thing it just who i am. I think and worry to much about everything. Well i hope someone got something out of this. And if i mis any type os and i'm sure i did and i know my spelling sucks i like to say i'm sorry for that. But agian i am only human hehehe;) thanks for reading
Chad
