Bored feeling of wanting out!

   I feel like writing. Its been a long time. I guess this will be one that i write about myself. To many things in my mind but that is every day with me. I deal with loneliness a lot lately.  All my very close friends live out of state. So i try to leave alot. Well visit other places. Money is kind of tight but i do save up for these trips mostly.
   I never felt i belonged here in Alabama. Me and this place do not fit at all. I hate football and everything about it. Pretty much treated like an outcast to most people here become of that fact. I think that is sad and sick and stupid. At least that how people judge me becomes of that. It i feel like if i don't think or like what everyone else does then i shit to them all. Trust me i don't fall for it. I don't want to like or be like anyone by who i am.
   I know i not a bad person. I am to nice sometimes. At work i am not so nice i rather people just leave me the fuck alone. For the most part people do leave me alone. I will try to explain when people ask me how i am doing i rather say nothing at all.  But i seem to give a smart ass answer like I don't know i haven't thought about it. That seem to shut people up most don't know what to say to that. Which i guess is my point. I just want  to do my job and go home. Well you also got to understand there is to much drama at work. Everything you say the whole building will pretty know but the end of the day if not sooner. I stay out of that shit. So yeah i am alone at work.
    My A.D.D. been pretty bad lately at least that what i think it is, i must of started 3 movies and shows yesterday and still really couldn't just sit and watch one all the way through. I am like what the hell is wrong with me. I am antsy. I feel like i want out but at the same time i don't. Listen to music is pretty much the only thing i can do everyday. It still sometime the only thing that can put me in a good mood.
   I still want out though mostly out of this state. But not sure how to do that yet. I got some debt trying to pay off before i can even think about doing that. I really don't get out much anymore but to work. I go to therapy once a week though . I don't go to my NA meetings no more right now. Long story to much click high school evil bullshit mostly is the reason why. And honestly i have not thought about using or drinking in years. Shit you could even though it in my face and i would not think of using it.
  Not sure why i am writing this. I guess mostly for myself i don't really think anyone really read my shit anyway. of course its been a long time sense i wrote anything. Mostly my typos have gotten really bad i hate it. My spelling has always been bad but the typos are very bad lately. I guessing i am writing to find some type of connection to myself somewhere i don't know. I don't even know if i am making any sense either.
   Like my tittle of this blog I am just a boy with silly dreams. Well i will be a year older this Thursday i don't look forward tot hat no more. It not like i am going to have a party or anyone going to through  one for me or anything. Or invite me out or anything that.  I will just go to therapy that day and do nothing like i always do.
   I am bored all the time now. Looking forward to going to Ohio at the beginning of June though counting down the days to get out of this place for a little while. Well i guess i will stop before i start to repeat myself.
  oh i started watching American Horror Story very cool show i think so. I only seen the first 3 episodes very cool i like it. Well i'll shut up now.

My review of Skinny Puppy's new album hanDover

Skinny Puppy-hanDover

SPV GmbH

Skinny Puppy happens to be one of my most favorite non metal bands out there! With that being said Skinny Puppy does not disappoint me at all with their new album hanDover. Skinny Puppy still shows on this album they are still one of the best industrial bands out there!! The lyrics on this album are emotional and awesome.

Now I have liked and love every Skinny Puppy release to date. This being their third album sents getting back together in 2003 with newest member Mark Walk but its Skinny Puppy's 12^th studio release. The full line up is cEven Key, Nivek Ogre, and Mark Walk. Mark Walk is also a member of Nivek Ogre's solo project Ohgr which he is awesome there as well.

Now a little info on why there is a long gap why this album too a long time to release. Their last album Mythmaker came out in 2007. Skinny Puppy started working on a new album in 2008 and finish one and turn it into their lable SPV GmbH. But SPV ran into insolvency  problems and the album's fate became uncertain. But Skinny Puppy toured in 2009 anyway. In a interview Ogre saying handing over the album to SPV with all those problem is where the name of this album comes from. And the album hanDover has some of those tracks they turned with new tracks as well so it not the same album they turned in. They still under contract with SPV to release an album so this is way it sounds like they are still with SPV.

Now out of the Skinny Puppy albums that have come out sents 2003 hanDover is my favorite. But love the other albums too. Every song on hanDover is just awesome! One of my favorite songs on the album called AshAs they wrote this song for a good friend and live crew member of theirs that died. His name was Sasha Coon. The title is an anagram of his name. Very emotional song. You can hear it Ogre's voice. The song is sad but moving as well. I would say a great song to dedicate their friends memory.

Also little more info. Interviews I read with Skinny Puppy about hanDover some people thought maybe they were talking about the OCCUPY group on this album. One thing about Skinny Puppy their lyrics and subject matter for their albums always seem to be a head of its time. But in fact they were not talking about OCCUPY group they were in fact talking about the problems in the music industry.

cEven Key as always is drums, guitar, bass, keyboards, synths, theremin, electronics. Just amazing sounds he comes up with all that on this album . Now Mark Walk is guitar, bass, keyboards, synths and Ogre is of course vocals and synths as well.

Another one of my favorite songs on this album is Village. Just a lot of power ion this song. You can hear the emotion in Ogre's voice I would say a but on the angry said with his vocal style and yelling screams. They just fit perfectly with this song.

The other tracks are great as well. The track called “Brownstone” is a person Ogre claims that is real in interviews. The track “Ovirt” is the first track on hanDover a great opener to the album. Sets it up very well. In the song “Cullorblind” I love the music with Ogre's spoken word in harmony rhythm style like singing just set the song up nicely. “Wavy” has really cool guitar into merging into the other synths and electronics sounds. Kind like a dreamy like sound to it. “Gambatte” Has awesome rhythm and beat to the flow is just great with Ogre's voice and cEven and Mark's work as well. Drum tracks on this song are great a song I like to be moving to. “Icktums” Starts off with dreaming synths sounds into fast beats and noise rhythm. “Point” starts off with just crazy awesome noise with Ogre's voice mixed into it. I love how all these songs just change up. You have to hear each song all the way through to get the full effect.”Vyrisus” again great beats and rhythm I know I said that pretty much about every song but it true Skinny Puppy is just that awesome on this album.

Now the last track on this album called NoiseX and it is just that and it great. Cause it straight up Skinny Puppy brap. Those that don't know what Brap is. Skinny Puppy made the term up. It means getting together getting high hook up electronic equipment and just jam. They also known to do this live as well.

Yes I said a lot but it just a great album. Skinny Puppy still shows how industrial music should be made. This album has been rake the best electronic industrial albums of 2011 and I so agree. Go get it for sure if this is your kind of music. And Skinny Puppy BRAP ON GUYS!!!!

Excepting Reality

I know its been a really long time sense i have wrote anything. Been busy and lazy and not motivated this the only honest reason i can give. But today I was in the mood to write something. All my writing is usually about him. And of course this one is too. Not as dark other my other writings are but it honest. So know its yours to read thank for taking the time if you did.

Excepting Reality

By: Chad Boyd

10/3/11

I live a life of dreams

Not sure where to go from here

Always lost in this world

Until I am found

I am nothing but who I am

A darkness follows me

Like everyone else

Yet I have fear and not

Excepting reality

But my dreams still hold me

A boy with silly dreams I am

That never changes here

Anger still fills me

Learning control is the key

Again Excepting reality

This path I must walk alone

I will find myself on the other side

Will I like me then?

That is the dream and hope

I see no reason not to

Excepting reality

I been on this path for so long

Sometimes its all I know

There is fear if it ends

But every path has it's end

Its time for me to reach mine

Not death but life at the end

But what kind of life

That is the fear

A fear that consumes me

Excepting reality

Fear of the unknown is always here

Its a part of this path I take

So I learn with each step I take

I will surpass this

This is my quest

Searching for myself

And I already found honesty

So I walk on this path until the end

Until that time comes

The only answer is

Excepting reality

Why I stay clean today and my way of thinking about it today.

    Can't sleep to much on my mind i guess. And its been a while sents i wrote anything here. I guess i will take this time to write about why i stay clean from drugs and drinking. Why should i talk about this? Well its on my mind and honestly writing this mostly for my self if you the reader want to read it or get something out of it the all the better.
   I stop using drugs and drinking  In Jan 1995. I was 16 years old then. I really won't going into details about my passed cause it doesn't matter. The fact is i used some drugs and drank. Most people want to know what i used and how much i did it and stuff. Why? Does it really matter? To me it does not. The fact again is i used some stuff drank some stuff.. And i was not in control or felt i was not in control as doing and on it the stuff.
   Did i feel like i had a problem? Yes. Did i want to stop once i felt i had a problem? No I did not. At the time i didn't care. it did not matter. I felt i had friends. I felt i was cool. I felt i knew better. Of course this is also a normal teenage way of thinking. Add drugs and drinking to that a lot then all i said is ten times worse.
  But anyway i had a problem. And honestly I wasn't planning to stop. My parents put me into rehab. And no i didn't have to stay there over night. I was an out patent. I find myself lucky for that. Long story short about rehab. I found myself listening to other while i was there. I heard what they went through. A lot of the same stuff as me in some cases a lot worse. I was very lucky with my time using. Never went to jail or anything like that either. Never OD on anything. Not sure if i came close either.
   16 and half years clean now. Not saying that to get a pat on the back or anything. Everyone like wow that is awesome i;'m so proud of you and stuff. Yes I'm proud of myself don't get me wrong. And Yes i may have a little EGO about it in some areas. But here is the part well parts that has been on my mind tonight and a long time. And this is were this blog might turn into a rant or venting. Well its my blog now isn't it hehehe. Reminds of that oldie song "its my party i can cry if i want to. You would cry too if it happen to you" LOL
   I still go to a 12 step program. Been going sents i got clean. I don't have to say which one. Those that know me know. Those that don't well all of them are pretty much the same for the most part. All pretty much have the same sayings and what not and the step are pretty much the same maybe the wording a little different. Do i have to go. No i do not. Does it work or help?. Yes it does mostly in the beginning for me. What about now?
  Yes it works but the way i look at things are so very different. Lets talk about why i stay clean today. Main reason is cause honestly I really don't want to use. I don't think about using. I don't care about it no more. Using that is. Those that don't know when i say i don't use that mean i'm not using drugs or drinking. Now my way of thinking today. Well in the 12 step program i go to talks about having a disease. A disease which there is no known cure as they put it. Is there a cure? Not really. But my problem with that saying is the word disease. Its all over the text. Disease this and Disease that. Not saying i don't relate to what it says about a disease pre say. I just look at it now as its like a scare tactic. In a way to help remind you over and over that using is bad at least how most people with problem that is. Ok i have to laugh now cause i hear in my head right now the south park guy "Drugs are bad. Really Bad MMM K" LOL!
 Which reminds me South Park did a show about a 12 step program. And when i first saw that show it honestly offended me. But it made a lot of scents too. They brought up the word disease and in the show Stan's dad got all depressed thinking he was a really bad low life person cause they said he had a disease. Not everyone has a problem with drugs or drinking. There is a lot of stuff i like about a 12 step program and there is a lot of stuff i do not like about a 12 step program.
  Does the 12 step program work? I would say it does. But it really depends on the person. My way of thinking now i would do what it takes to stay clean.  But let me back up a bit. Before i started using my dad went to a 12 step program and when i understood what it was all about. I made a promise to myself that i would never end up at a 12 step program. As you see i broke that promise to myself. So there for i was already self loathing before i was in a 12 step program. Honestly most people are in different ways. Today what i do not like about the word disease is that it kind of saying you have a disease you are a low life. People that don't have this disease are better than you.
   Well in not so many words that what it saying. Today i do not think like that at all. In fact i really hate that way of thinking. I share at meetings about stuff i'm going through help that shit get out of my head. And no i'm not always a happy person. In fact most of the time i am not happy.
  But i do not want to die or use or anything. I am human. Plan and simple as that. And most humans think when they have a bad day they have to have a drink or something. Honestly i don't understand this way of thinking. I understand its normal yes. And i don't understand it cause i had a problem with drinking and of course drugs. My way of thinking on that is why do you need something to hide what you are feeling? Simple answer is we are human. And most humans like to hide there pain. Is that a bad thing? Not really. It just depends on how you do it.
  Yes i had a lot of time to think about this. I used to not be able to answer that last question to myself.. But now i get it. It does not mean i have to use again or anything nor do i want to. I do not care if people drink around me or what ever. Its about me not using and it does not hurt my feelings or make me want to use just cause someone is doing it front of me. Honestly i'm past where it would.
  Going back to my pet peeves in a 12 step program. And this is just my thoughts about it. It could be just Alabama as well. Those that know me know that i don't like being in Alabama and right now i have to deal with it not much i can really do right now. Oh if i really had to i could leave now. But i would not have a job and stuff and not ready to do something like that.I would like to plan it out before jumping ship so to speak. But if worse come to worse i know some friends that would at least give me a place to stay for a little while.
  Ok pet peeves. The biggest one is clicks in a 12 step program. Yes they are there too. It seems high school never really leaves you no matter where you go. At work or even in your own neighborhood. But for a me a 12 step program should not be about singling people out. It should be about help each other . Same you can say about human as well. A friend of mine was saying to me you know Chad no one really helps their follow man out anymore. I hate to say this but he is right.
  Music help me stay sane. I love my music. very much into metal big time. And i also love old school industrial music as well. It helps me vent stay clean and think about things. That a big part that helps me stay clean. Big i say i mean huge part! Its seems to me when i am blunt in meeting i get a lot people come up to me and say you shouldn't say that the new people doesn't need to hear that. Hearing what? Someone being human? And that a problem? I don't think its a problem at all. I am just being honest. Some of these things i'm saying some people might not get cause they never been to a 12 step program or what ever.
  But 16 and half years. That is half my age. That is long time to think about why i stay clean today. Why do i still go to meetings? Well i know the program works. It just the people sometimes i think are idiots. But that is normal too. I honestly don;t have a a lot of patients with new people. Honestly i never really been a people person. But yes sometimes some people have to be idiots before they get it. Do i care what they think of me. Well honestly in some ways i guess i do or else it wouldn't bother me so much i guess. But another good part of me really doesn't care. Like now i'm not afraid to be an ass around people at meetings. Is that a good thing? well in way yes. I used to be easily push around so to speak. Not really standing up for myself now i do. Even at work. To me that shows i have grown. Do i always do those thing the right way? No cause again human. LOL i'm saying human a lot here reminds of Charlie Sheen saying WINNING LOL
 But to understand the way i think about why i stay clean today. Seems to me to be more freedom than the way i think now. Cause i don't have to be this self loathing person and to quote Stan's dad in South Park and this may not be word for word either: "OH I HAVE DISEASE I'M SUCH A BAD PERSON!" I agree with what South Park was saying in that very show. That way of thinking is BULLSHIT! I was that person at one time in my life. I don't need to be that person anymore. I have not had a using thought in freaking years! Am I cured? I would not used that word no. I don't worry about using. I don't think about it. I don't care about it. Honestly i hate the very idea of it.
  So why do i stay clean and do not use? Cause i can and i will. yes it can be that simple. Only the person makes it hard. I go to a 12 step programs cause i know it help it works. I just don't think the way i used to there anymore. And some people thinks it a bad thing cause i don't think like everyone else. Or do what most people do in a 12 step program.
   I look at it this way if i'm going to be on a road of any kind of happiness. I'm going to think for myself. I will not let other push me into anything i do not want to do. I still go to meetings cause i like to see if i can help others. I can't wake people and say HEY! you need to do this and that. Cause that doesn't work most of the times. If people want to hear what i got to say at meetings and they get something out of it then cool. Then i done my part. If not? Well i'm not going to lose sleep over it.
   I could go on more about all this stuff but really its going to sound like the same thing over and over like i have been this whole time LOL. If you read this far thanks for sticking around and hear me rant and vent about this stuff. I hope i got most of it out of my head now so i can sleep lol.
   But like the name of my blog says I'm just a boy with silly dreams. Thats not a bad thing it just who i am. I think and worry to much about everything. Well i hope someone got something out of this. And if i mis any type os and i'm sure i did and i know my spelling sucks i like to say i'm sorry for that. But agian i am only human hehehe;) thanks for reading
Chad

My review of the new album by Ohgr called Undeveloped

   First i have to say it was awesome that this album came out on my birthday!!! May 10th 2011. Even though i'm a huge metal head. I always loved Skinny Puppy and Nivek Ogre solo project spelled Ohgr is awesome as well. Nivek Ogre and Mark Walk are Ohgr. And Mark Walk is newest member of Skinny puppy as well for the last 2 albums and the up coming one as well.

   Now Ohgr last album Devils In My Details was a very different album for them. A lot of people did not like it. Grated Nivek Ogre just finish acting and singing in the movie Repo! The Genetic Opera so Devil In My Details sounded a lot like the movie a little bit. Now i listen to it with open mind and liked it but not my favorite but still a cool album.  
   But This new album Undeveloped is just pure awesome! Nivek Ogre and Mark Walk did a kick ass  job on this album. This sounds like more like Ohgr's first 2 albums. I also just love the harmony in Nivek Ogre vocal work on this album. Really i just love this whole album but here a few tracks i will talk about.
The song called 101 open this album great. Awesome music by Nivek Ogre and Mark Walk. And funny catchy chorus line in this song "Who Do I have to Fuck I don't know"
The song called Crash the intro of this song i was told it was the real 911 call of Michael Jackson. The song Crash itself is about if you get to many fake stuff or be fake in this case like you might crash like Michael Jackson. This song remind me a lot of Ohgr first album Welt musically and vocally again an awesome song here.
The song called Pissage started off with some cool deep kind of spoken word in rhythm vocals by Ogre which might be confused with a rap like vocal work but that one of his styles. The song then kicks in with heavy chorus with very cool drum work the electronic sounds are just amazing. 
The Song called Comedown Starts off with Ogre very slow vocal work with some cool re verb with  electronic music industrial of course again reminding me of Ohgr's first album Welt. I can't say this enough another awesome song! Ogre's vocal and harmony is just awesome!

The Song called Screwme starts off with some cool slow piano then movie into some cool industrial work here. Again the harmony in Ogre's vocals reminds of of the first album once again. A great song to move your head to. When the chorus of this song kicks in just great i got chills hearing it to first time. 

The song called Bellew begins with a catchy industrial electronic tone. Ogre starts off with slow deep vocal work. A very cool laid back song on this album.

The song called Hollow start off with some really cool brake dancing like beats. Again Ogre comes  in with some kick ass cool vocal work here.

The song called Tragek is also at the end of this blog i found it on you/tube check it out but my thoughts are i really love the drum work that starts with this song. Just a kick ass song  another powerful chorus in this song with harmony vocal work Ogre style! Just a powerful song!!

The Song called Animist i love the build up on this song the music and Ogre voice as well. When the song kicks in just awesome. Great rhythm which can be said to ever song on this album!!!
The Song called Nitwitz just jump in with Ogre vocalizing very catchy song  and chorus as well. Now if you have the CD verstion like i do there is a hidden track called Collidoskope a very awesome hidden track !!

Well i think i went through almost all the tracks on the album. Some tracks are cool intos to the songs. Right now it its one of my favorite Ohgr albums! So if you like industrial music and Skinny Puppy what are you doing reading this blog? Go out and get your hands on this awesome album by Ohgr right now!!!
Also the pics here i found over the internet of Ogre. Also here is the song Tragek you can hear from you/tube:::

Hope you enjoyed my reivew of this Ohgr album kick ass work to Mark walk and Nivek Ogre!! I'm very much look forward to the new Skinny puppy album this fall too!!!!!
Chad

Well I am now the big 3 3

     Yep i'm the big 3 3 now. Birthday today. I honestly had to think the other day about how old i was LOL. So i really don't care about the number LOL. Well its been an ok day i guess. Just really sat around watching some TV shows i'm behind on. It still freaking hot in my house too so i sweated all day as well. I don't like that much at all. But right now nothing i can do about it. Yes i have 3 fans blowing in my room and still i sweat bad! The last 2 days my hair was soaking wet when i got out of bed.
   Well other than those things the day like i said was pretty good. Now i'm at work now listening to some music which is awesome. Oh i will add one of my favorite vocalist came out with their new solo album today on my birthday!!! That would be the album of Ohgr. Ogre is the lead vocalist of the industrial band Skinny Puppy!! So i'm waiting on that to come in the mail now. Yes i'm still very much a metal head. But i love old school industrial bands like Skinny Puppy they rule. I just find out they are coming out with a new album this fall too!!!! Yes very excited about both those albums.
    Well that pretty much all that has been going on the day of my 33th year of life and on this world. I'm very happy to be with my girlfriend Lisa! Love her very much! Been together about year and half now in Oct it will be 2 years. I am very grateful to have her in my life! Oh and i also pre ordered the new Hammerfall album too looking forward to that as well! But anyway that all i have to say about today its been good. Just all my very close friend live in other states. it would of been to cool to hang out with any of them today. But its ok i know i will get to hang out with them at some point someday.
Chad

Burning with the fire

I know it been a while sents i wrote one of these. The last was on my myspace page in Sept of 2010 so i might be a little rusty but here is what i threw together today::::::

Burning with the fire

By: Chad Boyd 5/2/11

Running from something

The scent of danger everywhere

Lost and confused with everything

No time to stop

Time to run and hide

I have nothing left inside

The fires are still chasing me

To the unknown reality

A world on fire

I am nothing I have nothing

To lose

But not winning the battle

That is inside me

I have reach my limit

I must run away now

The fire burns me

The pain wakes me

I see everything

Burning with the fire

Questions in my mind

Whats left to do

But to run and hide

Why must I feel this way

Helpless confused and alone

Running into the unknown

I stop and turn to the fire

Time to stand up now

I will not be afraid no longer

Yes I will burn Yes there will be pain

But I will not hide behind the shadows

I will not stay silent from what must be said

This world is on fire

Let it burn I will still be here

Standing before the fire

Making my stand to the unknown

What are you waiting for?

I am right here

So burn me

Is that all you got?

I am still here

Even when I am gone from this world

Another shall take my place

Maybe one day the fire will be gone

Maybe there will be peace

For now I am just

Burning with the fire